Today was a hard day. Usually Sundays are my favorite days -and they are- but today was different. I was feeling particularly depressed as I drove home around 11 pm. They came again, those thoughts I have so desperately been trying to suppress.
I have learned something quite obviously through my long 23 years of life. Satan comes in many forms. It can be in something as little as a thought that can tempt us. But the truth is, it isn't a sin to be tempted. If that were the case Christ wouldn't have been perfect because He was tempted many times in His earthly ministry. The sin is acting on said temptation.
As I drove home I thought of all the scenarios: I could go home, down some pills and be done with it. Painful, might not be effective but it's worth the shot. I could find the nearest bridge and jump. I could sit on the railroad tracks and wait for a train. Etc. But the scariest was the thought I had of "crashing" my car on the way home. It would look like an accident, I thought. But the reality was, I could do that right now. The others took time and plans. This was quick, reckless, and immediate.
In my deepest pit of despair I pulled over to try to get my senses. I felt nothing but emptiness inside and it only grew worse as I sat there. I tried to cry, thinking that would be some sense of relief. No tears came. I thought of my dad and how I missed him desperately. I thought of my mission and tried to remember the miracles I had witnessed there. This only created more heartache and an odd sense of regret. Being the martyr I am, I felt like Oskar from "Schindler's List". At the end of the movie he conveys that he could have saved more. He could have done so much more. That was how I felt.
I was figuratively reaching for something I wanted so literally to save me. I finally was humbled enough to call out for help. I prayed, out loud, for help from the Lord. After sometime I finally calmed down enough to go home and go to sleep. I can't even convey what it was that made the difference. The peace was so subtle. But I just knew somehow that He was with me and more importantly, that He cared. Sometimes the greatest miracle is knowing that you survived that day. In the darkness, there can be light. I can tell you that after many witnesses I have received of Him, that Christ is real. Our Father and the Holy Ghost are real too. They hear us. They know us. They will -and have- saved us. What a miracle!
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